Thursday, December 28, 2006

CAT SCAM
I'm not really a "cat person". I did have a cat, Fiona (she died several months ago); and I like cats, but I don't wear socks with cats embroidered on them, or have a screensaver with kittens sleeping in coffee cups and shoes. However, I've never turned away a good pounce on the lap and a gentle purr. So, my comments about The Moscow Cats Theatre should be taken from the view of an average theatergoer.

The Moscow Cats Theatre has been touring the country for several months after playing to sold-out audiences in New York City. The show is geared to cat lovers, parents and their kids; however I looked at their web-site and thought it might be an amusing afternoon. Besides, The New York Post called the show “Spec-Cat-ular!” and People Magazine called it “Incredible!” With reviews like that I was half expecting The Blue Man Group Meets Cats; my expectations were high. I got the tickets and off we went to beautiful downtown Skokie, Illinois to see the cat circus.

From the start we knew this was going to be interesting. The stage was bedazzled in some cheap looking colored shimmer cloth. To the side was a folding table holding a keyboard and laptop; underneath was littered with cardboard boxes. As people began to file in, children, grandmas all excited by the prospect of the circus cats, the keyboard man pressed a button to start the music.

Now I love pan flute as much as the next guy, but this wasn’t even real pan flute. I know that sound, and it comes with those low-end keyboards that can be purchased at K-Mart for under $150. And the pan flute setting is the second most annoying sound, right beneath synthesized saxophone.

Whoosh….!!! A grey cat ran across the stage, then it ran back followed by a furry white, happy faced dog; the audience screamed in delight at this. "Yes! Now we are in for some real cat action. Bring on those incredible cats!” Another cat ran across the stage followed by another cat; this was followed by another cat, followed by Yuri the Clown, dangling a cat toy, making two of the cats jump at it. I knew at that moment we were in trouble. Yuri is the founder of the Moscow Cat Theatre and is the head cat wrangler. Yuri is not your Emmett Kelly type of clown, in the traditional sense. His long nose is his own, and his blond shag hair is more reminiscent of a middle aged Vivian Vance making a guest appearance on "Here's Lucy", than regular clown hair. But he's still nightmarish. He looked like Jeremy Hilary Boob, the Nowhere Man of “Yellow Submarine” fame, except Jeremy Hilary Boob with blond Vivian Vance hair.

From the start it was clear that this show was not about the cats, but about Yuri, and his need for applause. Repeatedly, he cajoled the audience into clapping in rhythm. “Clap, clap” he mimed as if something was going to happen when we all got a good rhythm going; Which, by the way, was almost impossible to do with the pan flute music. Ultimately, once we all clapped enough, he continued with his next piece of clown business with a drooping flower, doing a floppy shoe stepping dance or acting like he was a painter; pretty dull, standard clown stuff. There were three clowns: the sexy woman clown who looked a bit like Toni Basil of “Mickey” fame. Her big trick was to take a bunch of Hoola-Hoops and swing them around. The third clown’s trick was… come to think of it I don’t think he had a trick; he just seemed annoyed. I’m sure this clown act isn’t any different from any other act seen in let's say…a European shopping mall. The only difference is that those clowns do not have a captive audience who have come to see performing cats.


We were being held hostage and the ransom was "clap for us or no more cat tricks".

Cat-wise, this was pretty much the show: Cats ran across the stage. Cats were pulled by wires on platforms. Cats ran up a pole into a bird house. A cat turned off a light; that was a big hit with the under four crowd. Other highlights included a cat jumping out of an urn and then back in an urn, then back out of the urn; and a cat swiping at Yuri whenever he tried to touch his stomach. A couple of times Yuri brought out cat with a sparkly cloth thrown over it. The bewildered but valiant cat lifted his head up a couple of times and tried to walk around, resigned to its life of show business. "Yes, dinner time is almost here, the purple sparkle cloth has been thrown over my head again." But Yuri just smiled and prompted the audience for applause, when he, to no one's surprise revealed that under the sparkly cloth was ‘gasp’ a cat. The laptop guy started to play the sound of a cat howling as if it were in pain.

The show was just over an hour, but soon into the performance I sensed that the audience had begun to realize it had been rooked. Where were the cat acrobatics? Sure, a cat climbed up the pole into the bird house, and a cat jump onto the pillow trick from about twenty feet, and most impressively a cat doing a handstand. But after a while I had gotten the feeling that something was missing… To quote Peggy Lee: Is That All There Is to a Cat Circus?

Then the show took a bizarre turn with a dream sequence where Yuri dreams that he's being chased by some strange alien/lizard-like creatures. The creatures had giant foam rubber hands that they put down after a couple minutes after 'booga-booga-ing' in front of Yuri. From then on they just wander around aimlessly. Yuri then introduced what I understood later to be the Queen of the Cats. The Queen, in her Walgreen’s Halloween Princess Outfit, swayed and waved her arms around in a lost Ophelia sort of way. I thought, "Is this what all entertainment would be like if we hadn't won the Cold War".

My mind was wandering and I was getting a headache from the continuous synthesized pan flute playing a twenty minute version of “Besame Mucho”, punctuated by a punch- in of maniacal laughter to emphasize that Yuri was having a bad dream.

Also, I noticed that there was much made of things being hot. “Oooh, that light bulb is hot”—“Oooh, that coffee pot is hot; As if in clown school they excelled in playing that ‘something was hot’. I can hear their New York agent "Listen Yuri, stick with the hot stuff, it's what you do best. The kids today, they’ll love that hot bit." But hot or not the show began to lose steam after the dream sequence.

So as in all great shows, it was time for audience participation. I pity people who come to the theatre to enjoy an evening of light entertainment and find that they have to be part of the show. Imagine thinking you were going to spend a relaxing afternoon watching cats jump through hoops and then finding yourself dancing with a clown girl in front of hundreds of people. Try explaining that problem to a therapist. The six men were taken out of the audience, humiliated and then bent over, asses to the audience, as a cat jumped from back to back. At this point the audience was anxious for anything cat related that did not include a cat being pulled across the stage by a wire. It was a hit!

In a strange turn, later on one of the more attractive of these men was pointed out sitting in the front row and accused by Yuri of impregnating the Queen of Cats. The Queen of Cats pointed an accusing finger at him, holding a blanket in her arms, as the laptop guy played a loop of a baby crying. He was handed the blanket and a white fluffy dog jumped out of the bundle. Yuri mussed this guy’s blond hair and pointed to the audience for more applause, gesturing that this man had had sex with the woman and she had given birth to a dog. At that point, I think I was starting to blackout; my head was beginning to throb; The music had turned from pan flute to the ‘ju-ju-ju’ chorus voices setting. Third in the list of horrible keyboard modes. But at that moment I understood why this was a hit in New York. I think that they must have been nostalgic for the days of 80’s Performance Art. I mean, if Annie Sprinkle could look at her vagina in a mirror and pack the house, why not this?

As a finale, the Cat Queen came out riding a bicycle with three cats perched on platforms, as she road around the stage, while Yuri continued to beckon for more applause. He then took a cat that was holding on to a rugged platform and swung it over the heads of people in the first couple rows. The house lights came up and he walked around allowing the cat to be petted as its claws dug unto the perch. Then Yuri walked back on stage and then everyone gave some weak bows; and
that was it!


A smattering of confused applause as people wondered if it was over and then began to file out as if they were leaving church. I was stunned. This was the show that sold out months in New York! Held over! National tour! I left the theatre and noticed that both Lily Tomlin and Kathy Griffin were being promoted for upcoming events. I thought perhaps Kathy Griffin should somehow incorporate cats into her show. Put one in a dress and say that it’s Paris Hilton. Trust me Kathy, it would be a hit.

Needless to say, I’m still a bit stunned. I've wondered, if I had known more about it, would I have decided not to buy the $50 tickets. However, if the show had been better, would I still be thinking about it? This fantastically odd show was worth far more than the money, because it's something I'll never forget as long as I live.

"Meow"



Some actual reviews of the show: Broadway World
The New York Times

Monday, December 25, 2006

MERRY X-MAS FROM A HOLE IN THE HEAD

Me (at 3 years) circa 1966. This was the Christmas that my family still talks about; My mother went to Alden's Catalog Store and bought almost every toy she could find. My sister Cheryl woke me up at the crack of dawn to open presents, I was barely awake and really cranky. It was a heavily documented Christmas, with photos, 8mm film and audio tape. The highlight of the morning was when I took a metal plane and hit my sister over the head with it.



About ten years ago I worked for a radio show called "This American Life". I supplied them with music and sometimes contributed with a feature or two. (More on that later.) During that time, I gave their producer Peter Clowny my audio tape of this Christmas. He edited it into a cute segment illustrating that Christmas is all about expectation. Go to This American Life
and type in Episode 47; it comes up on their archive list. My segment is at the end of the stream, or buy a CD of it. I get residuals; it's one of their highest selling shows, David Sedaris' Santaland Diaries is also on it.

I transferred the tape to a digital file this morning. I offer a 7 minute clip of the tape CLICK HERE.

It was difficult to listen to it. This year hasn't been a good one. My mother is still dealing with the effects of her stroke from last year, and my brother continues to battle his cancer. 1966 truly feels like it was 40 years ago. Looking back that 1966 was the best Christmas ever.

So Merry Christmas and Happy Blogging to everyone. And Thanks for reading my silly little ramblings.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

WGN CHICAGO CHRISTMAS VIDEOS

For anyone who grew up in Chicago in the 60s and 70s Hardrock Coco and Joe, Suzi Snowflake and Frosty the Snowman cartoons have a special meaning. They played every year on The Ray Rayner Show and Garfield Goose. They bring out the spirit of Christmas, dark, creepy and just a little stressful.





Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Last Minute Xmas Shopping -- All That's New in '72!


(click photos for bigger views)
Although I love shopping on the Internet, there still is nothing like sitting on the pot with a cataloge. Suddenly things that you'd snub your nose up at in the Salvation Army Thrift store become that one item that you need to make your life complete.

There is something about 70's furnishings that are colorful, but at the same time have a feeling of the homely girl putting on too much make-up. I mean everything had (what the kids call today) bling!

Clocks


Lamps.


Especially lamps. Growing up during this time was to be surrounded by colorful and crazy dangling lamps. Try explaining to your average teenager that you used to hang big glass balls from the ceiling on plant hooks, and that they didn't give off much light, but took up a large part of the room. I spent many a rainy afternoon seeing if I could hit the hanging swing lamp with a pillow to make it swirl light all around the room.


Even the appliances were groovy.

And although Target is now selling reproductions of plastic furniture, they hardly suggest that you furnish your whole home with it. My family had a blow up chair around this time. I recall that it only lasted about a week before it sprung a leak and then was put in the yard to cover up the tomato plants that winter.



Though never a drug user myself, I often partook of the paraphernalia. I still can almost taste the colors of the black light posters in my sisters room; Or the one my brother had over his couch in his living room of the nude African woman sitting on the tiger. And in our basement, before it because a huge storage room, the faux wood panel bar had lights in the front that came on with the music. For hours I would listen to stereophonic music mesmerized by the blink blink red right, the blick, blick blue left.

The bar in our basement was like a relic from a bygone day, by the time I was ten my parents had stopped having people over for parties and it stood empty and quite in the corner with it's smoking and drinking toys hidden in the shelves below along with my father's drill bits and hammers. The smoking items are particularily interesting; there was a big anti-smoking campiagn around that time. Smoking = Cancer, so nothing is funnier than death giving you a cigarette. I used to have a music box cigarette case shaped like a coffin that had a skull bring up a cigarette, while the death March played 'dum, dum, da, dum'.

So, happy Xmas shopping. Perhaps a coughing ashtray is just what your boss would like this year.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Night Gallery Posters


I was looking through some Fate Magazines from the 70s this weekend and I came across this ad. $2!!! How much are these things selling for now! I always thought that the paintings were one of the best things about this show.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Singing Like I Meant It.
Years ago, I sang a lot. It's always been a passion; and I've sung in every situation you can think of: Tupperware Parties, Lion's Club meetings, gay bars at 3AM, frat parties, the middle of Lake Michigan, but lately just in my car on the way to work. Case in point, here are two performances ten years apart... one was in 1994 at Wigwood, Atlanta's version of N.Y's Wigstock. During the years I sang "Love For Sale" more times than I can remember. I used a scratchy Music Minus One album for my backing track. The drag mini-queen with me is the one and only Sugarbaby. A mini-masterpiece of a performer. I had no idea that she was going to join me during this performance... but I'm glad she did. RIP Sugar Baby!



Fast Forward to this Feburary, Gary and I were going to do a Karoeke love song contest on Valentine's Day. I suggested "Endless Love" because its one of the best of the 80s love song duets. The video is funny, because it's just us rehearsing what we were going to do on stage. We thought if we did this completely seriously the more absurd it would be; I'm doing my best Barbra Streisand meets Celine Dion video parody. As of this date this video has had 6300 views on Youtube. Which to me is embarrasing and very funny. My favorite thing is how creeky the floor is. Enjoy!!!

Monday, December 11, 2006

ANAL SAX

I recently came across this album in my collection by the great Bud Shank. I love that there was a time when beautiful women in various stages of undress and consciousness were placed on the covers of easy listening albums to boost sales. Either this cover photo is of a woman drunkenly looking for her missing contact or she's getting Bud Shank'd up the butt.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

MY COLLECTION IS MOLDS!

One of the most charming aspects of "Women's Household Magazine" are the sections where the 'ladies' send in photos of themselves surrounded by their collections.

As a fellow collector of stuff, I can understand their predicament of how to show of your collection of which you are so proud. Sometimes all you can do is smile, point and say "Hello World --
MY COLLECTION IS MOLDS!"



Bertha Browder's collection of fancy tall bottles is pitiful. It think she just submitted this photo as an excuse to show off her gams. But I think her picture of the bleak landscape of Mars made from scraps and shells is beautiful.


Mrs. Horvath's family probably scoffed at her fine collection of stuffed animals, but I hope someone kept the Beatles stuffed toys.

Anna Mary's collection shows that crafts are not for sissies. I can feel my fingers being sliced open just looking at this picture.



I much prefer the soft craft of fancy work.

Now as a collector of all sorts of strange recordings this collection is of special interest to me. My parents always had tape recorders around and we were constantly taping something; a message for my brother in the army, Christmas morning, or just screaming into the mike as loud as possible. But I've never heard of tape sharing clubs. I have one cassette that might come close, from the 70s a senior couple in Florida sent a tape to their friends in New York. A large part of the tape was the wife doing dishes and her husband yelling at her to come in the other room and to say something.



Anyone have any tape pals tapes? Or was 'tape pals' a euphemism for something else. In which case I really want to hear some of these recordings.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

American The Beautiful - The Exchange Column Way

There was actually a time when the government was promoting ecology with the campaign "Keep American Beautiful". Of course, to Middle American this meant bedazzling garbage cans. Which I think is a great idea!


Just think, somewhere in some dusty box is a letter from Lady Bird Johnson congratulating someone for thinking of painting scenes of Old Mexico on garbage cans. Get thee to ebay with your letter Mrs Dugan.
(from Women's Household, of course)